Shen's Meditations on Philippians

Phi 2:12 Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.

In a way we are still like children learning to live as adults. We know we live under His watchful eyes, but I guess sometimes we do things and think maybe He missed that one? I think I do not always obey God as I should I know I am guilty of many things that I dare not even write about to myself but I know that He knows. Sometimes I'm not even sure how I justified the action at the time but what's done is done and can never been undone. I can only repent and hope for His mercy for the forgiveness of my sins.

To constantly obey and be good is difficult. I seem to remember it being easier to do when I was young, but as I've grown older, I am tempted by more things and much more easily distracted. I guess we should remember what we have done so that we can repent in earnest rather than a superficial, "Please forgive, Lord." But sometimes I feel so caught up in the sins of my past, that moving on is difficult. How do I live in a balance of accepting that He has forgiven me ? or perhaps I have just totally missed the mark altogether and don't really understand His amazing love for me.

When I look at my sins, I can't imagine that anyone could forgive me for them, but I think I tend to forget that God is not like anyone. I'm still thinking too much "earthly" things and understanding God through earthly references. He is like nothing on Earth, therefore I can't compare him against anything here. Maybe that's why I never really understood him in the first place?

Phi 2:13 For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.

I always pray for His will to be done in my life but I know in secret I'm really hoping that His will is the same as my will. Like HP. I know I really want it and when I pray I keep asking Him to do as He wills even though what I really want if for Him to make clear the path for me to join HP on my terms. I try to remember that regardless of what happens, it will be for the best. All things that I don't understand will be revealed to me in time, as it has always occurred so in the past.

Phi 2:14 Do all things without murmurings and disputings:
Phi 2:15 That ye may be blameless and harmless, the sons of God, without rebuke, in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom ye shine as lights in the world;
Phi 2:16 Holding forth the word of life; that I may rejoice in the day of Christ, that I have not run in vain, neither laboured in vain.

It's amazing that it should be so timely for me to be studying this passage at this time because I think of late I have been a real whiner. I'm argumentative and I refuse to do anything without first making a dig about how it's not fair. I used to try to live up to a standard in His eyes, but lately I think I'm failing to even strive for something acceptable even to me. Here I haven't even talked about succeeding in achieving that much because I haven't even tried.

I feel such a pathetic creature that I can only look back at my past life as a Christian and admire what I used to have then. I'm sure I fell short many times then, but compared to how I live now, I must have been a saint ? which doesn't say much about me now. Do I make excuses for not doing the things I know I should because I feel I'm already so bad, how could I be "more bad"? I have often been fearful of all the bad things inside my mind because someone might read them. But then, someone already has read them?

If Jesus were to come back tomorrow, how would I like to have lived my life so that I may not be ashamed to show it to Him? I think when I answer this, then I know what I should be focussing on in my life.

If you have a response to something written here, please email me and I will add your response here or reply to your question. If you wish to be anonymous, please say so in the email. Please email me at

Back to EMCYA QT